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TMNT for the NES Arguably the Most Frustrating Game Ever
May 15th, 2010
Before the dawn of virtual consoles, those of us still lucky enough to own working Nintendo Entertainment Systems were able to really suck down the Retroade and play the games we really grew up on: the 8-bit ones. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which I still own footie pajamas from, was one of the first games I bought, mainly because I was absolutely obsessed with the television show, but what kid that grew up in the 80’s wasn’t? Once I got it though, and played it, I discovered what the word “frustration” meant, and when later asked in my second grade spelling bee to spell the word “frustration”, I sarcastically spelled out “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, except I fucked up and spelled turtle as “Turtel”. Fucking silent L. Spelling bees however are not my point. My point with this article is how ridonkulously hard this game was, and still is to this day, even in virtual console form! Hit the jump below for my explanation, and if you don’t agree with me, you never grew up in the 80’s, which sucks for you because you never had the pleasure of cuffing your jeans.
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Nerdery Note: There’s No Sound in Space!
March 23rd, 2010
Astronomy was one of the coolest classes I took back in college, and also one of the few classes that ended up as an “A” on my transcripts. I have always been interested and pretty good at physics, and my astronomy professor in college one day really opened up my mind when he said that since space has no molecules, there can be no sound. He was a huge Star Wars nerd (shocking, I know - his email was hansolo@myuniversity.edu), and he used to always rip on the movies he loved so much whenever they’d show an epic space battle, with loud explosions and lasers “pew-pewing” across the screen. In reality, you wouldn’t hear shit from the camera’s perspective, because of the complete lack of molecules. So WTF does this have to do with gaming? Well, it has a lot do with gaming, considering I have not seen one fucking game that abides by this unknown, or ignored fact about the heavens. Having just re-played the original Mass Effect to prep for the sequel (hopefully crank-less), I noticed it all over the place and laughed my ass off during the cutscenes. Granted, video games and movies that take place in space would be pretty lame if you saw some ginormous space battle with all these explosions and guns, but you couldn’t hear dick - I get it. I bring it up though, part as a rant from the nerd deep down inside me, but also, as a heads up to the development community to see who has the balls to actually throw this in there. I think it would be pretty cool, eerie actually, to see all that destruction in space but not hear a damn thing while you watch it all unfold. Maybe it’s just me. Well, it probably is only me, but whatever. Now you know. The award-winning photo/ms paint picture above courtesy of the Northwestern physics/astronomy department, and no, that is not a joke.
God of War 2 or Cranks and Levers 2?
February 12th, 2010
A little over three years ago, the sequel to the 2005 Game of the Year was released on the Playstation 2 and this guy was one of the first ones to rip open the frustratingly complex, plastic packaging that Best Buy strangles all its games with. Being three years younger at the old age of 23, the game was sick, and hands down one of the best action games I’ve ever had the pleasure of playing. Fast forwarding to just a few months ago as I popped in the God of War collection on my PS3 to play the first two God of War installments in glorious HD, I found myself swearing and shaking my head a lot more than I was smiling, which is odd considering I was re-playing a franchise that served up so much joy just a few years back. What the hell happened? God of War I and II are still the same games, they’re just running in beautiful high resolution, so it can’t be that. Then it hit me: I’m getting older, and my patience level is dropping at the cyclic rate, and I can only handle all those annoying, redundant puzzles in video games for so long now. God of War 2 specifically, with a mother bleeping crank or lever in what seemed like every room, drove me absolutely bonkers; I just wanted to slay shit, not figure out ridiculous puzzles! What’s even scarier though, is that this gameplay trend is more apparent than you may think, or at least I previously throught, specifically with popular sequels. Hit the jump below for the gouge.
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How to Socially Acceptably Prepare for God of War 3
January 20th, 2010
Dressing up as Kratos and running around the city park in dyed whitey tighties is not the way to get ready for God of War 3, or anything for that matter. Chances are the only thing you’re preparing yourself for is an extra ten years void of any sexual interaction with the female race. With only two short months until the long-awaited God of War III hits store shelves, I felt there wasn’t a better time to relive my God of War I and II memories than this weekend, especially since Sony remastered them in HD and packaged them on one Bluray disc for only $40! If you’ve never experienced the pure joy of the original God of War games, step away from your computer and go get yourself a copy immediately. (If you’re still wearing your Kratos costume, I’d recommend taking that off before you head out into public) If you have, but haven’t fired it up in a while, I strongly encourage you to do so, at the very least to help bridge the anticipation gap between now and March. When you get back from the store n00b, hit the jump to read on.
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Where Are They Now: Randy Marsh (the real one)
January 17th, 2010
The “Guitar Hero” South Park episode ranks as one of the most popular episodes to date, and for good reason. Randy Marsh stole the show when he decided to stay up all night, attempting to master Guitar Hero in nothing but his whitey tighties so he could impress his son Stan. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the show’s creators, continue to create genius episodes and plot lines time and time again, but this classic episode has too many similarities to the real-life, Randy Marsh. Yes you read that right. Above you’ll find the real Guitar Hero rockstar, portrayed next to his other hobbies: guns and body hair. For the full, exclusive interview with Sir Randy Marsh, hit the jump below, as we catch up on old times.
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Kesha Must Be Training With Doc Louis
January 16th, 2010
Tick tock, or is it tik tok? I don’t know, all I do know is that my ears are still bleeding from hearing that song played over and over again on every radio frequency on planet earth. If you haven’t heard it, just turn on your radio; hell, it’s probably playing on every AM station too. So whiskey tango foxtrot does this have to do with gaming? Well if you listen to the background music at any point in the song, except for the chorus, it sounds identical to Punch Out for the ol’ NES. I know this is out there, but open up your iTunes and hit play, because I know you secretly bought it. Now I don’t have my NES anymore so I can’t fire up Punch Out, but if that background music doesn’t remind you of old NES soundtracks, you’re crazy.
Games You Hate But Buy Anyway
January 10th, 2010
We all do it, but we all don’t have the balls to admit it. I’ve been doing it since I started gaming, well, let’s say started “working” because I was broke as a kid. Here’s the usual course of events: Read the new preview for said upcoming game. Graphics look amazing, although the gameplay doesn’t quite seem like it’s something you’d enjoy. But man, those graphics look sick! And all my friends are talking about this game. Next the review comes out, and the scores are high across the board. The graphics look even more tantalizing, but you notice the gameplay still hasn’t changed. Fuck it, right? I mean, it’s getting top notch reviews, can it really be that bad? So I head to Best Buy the next day after work and throw down $60 bucks for a copy, and pop it in when I get home. The drooling over the visuals commences, and I ignore the fact that I don’t like the gameplay from the start; it got awesome reviews, remember? 72 hours later, the game disc is snapped in half, or millions of pieces depending on my level of rage, and my living room looks like the latest GameFly commercial, except my apartment never looks as cool as theirs. And there’s way more tears. So what games am I talking about? I’ve got three of them. Hit the jump below to find out which ones, and leave yours in the comments below so we can all cry together.
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Games We’re Thankful For This Weekend
November 28th, 2009
With Thanksgiving officially behind us, we’re left with not only a disgusting amount of turkey but a heckuva lot of couch time as well. If you’re like me, you gorged yourself until it became socially unacceptable and have banished yourself to the couch for the remainder of your holiday weekend until those extra 4,000-plus calories decide which orifice they’d like to come out of. That leaves you with either television or video games (or porn, if you’re family is really messed up), so video games it is. Demon’s Souls? Nah. Modern Warfare 2? Nope. Gears of War on Insane difficulty? Yup. You see not many titles over the years offer true re-playability, and folks those are the games that I’m truly thankful for.
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Awesome Shit Tribute: P90
October 20th, 2009
Come on, can you think of a more bad ass weapon to kick off our Awesome Shit Tribute than Fabrique Nationale’s P90? That’s right, you can’t. If the thought of the P90 doesn’t invoke happy memories of completely hilarious, random headshots from the hip in CounterStrike, or trigger the good old days of blowing away your friends in Goldeneye then something is honestly wrong with you. Like, WTF are you even at this site for, let alone still reading this article? Have you left yet? Okay good. So, now that it’s just us, let’s get back to the proverbial wet dream of gaming guns (okay that may have been a little too far there … screw it): the P90. To the tribute!
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Demon’s Souls: That’s it, I’m Getting It
October 19th, 2009
With so many big-time games getting released this Fall, I honestly never even knew what Demon’s Souls was until I read the surprising review over at IGN. Since then it has become all the rage: it’s dark atmosphere, action-RPG elements, and insanely tough gameplay that rivals the old school days of the NES. To be honest, the game sounds bad ass, I don’t know how else to put it. I was worried it would be too hard, a la Ninja Gaiden Sigma (seriously, that game was just nuts), but from what I’ve read it’s not on that level, thankfully. This morning I witnessed IGN PS3’s long-awaited Demon’s Souls video review, and it was the nail in the coffin. And of course every fucking GameStop on Oahu island seems to be out of them, then again for some redonkulous reason they only ordered one copy each! WTF? Hopefully Best Buy has a copy left; I’m heading there this week and will post my first impressions as soon as possible. This game looks like a sure winner people, go grab your ass a copy! If you’re one of those lucky assholes that’s already got a copy, post your impressions/thoughts in the comments!
